Random Thoughts on Everything

I'm crushed, sprinkled and sliced

I wafted into my real kitchen today and stroked the island to let it know how much I appreciated its hard work and beauty.

Thank you I said, and thank you Megan Markle for showing me to how to achieve the ‘heavy lifting’ that is so necessary to bake a cake. Perhaps she too owns a Kenwood mixer … they are extremely weighty. Realising my paltry 1950s housewife skills are on par with Megan’s, I wondered why Netflix hasn’t paid me to make a documentary series about … well … about nothing really.

I’m so excited by the idea of pitching a British version of With Love, Megan. Something more earthy and real in substance. Under a blunt, deeply authentic title … Get Lost, With Susan. By spooky coincidence Megan and I share a choice of surnames, for mine I have a married or unmarried name, admittedly neither of them as royally well connected as Sussex or Markle. And here I sympathise with the Duchess, my children also don’t have the same last name as me, but hey after 40 years I’m over it … almost.

Episode 1 will start with a yoga headstand at sunrise. Watching, will be the builders on site next door. Showing great patience I will forgive their two years of noisy intrusion. I will smile as they mock my thoughtful gift of home baked truth, my well considered words of complaint decanted into clear plastic bags then sprinkled with dead petals and tied with a bow of peace.

Episode 2 my star guest will be Kier Starmer. Together we will spread our special joy through the streets of Hampstead. Big Ange will pop in to create a beautiful welcome tray for Kier. An elevated melange of love. Small cupcakes of organic dog poo will be decorated with a hand cut poison ivy. The frosting will be morning dew plus a touch of artisanal urine, all provided by Ange. She will gently roast these delicacies upon a bonfire of delicious, freshly shredded, planning rules that so perfume the air, viewers will believe it scents their own humble homes.

Episode 3 will see Volodymyr Zelensky sharing a deeply felt love and his organic, garden grown blueberries, baked into his Bubba’s favourite muffin recipe, with the help of Vladimir Putin. Through a swarming arch of heritage wasps, crayons and handmade parchment will arrive on the wings of pink doves. A peace deal will be signed and then both men will lovingly sprinkle a poster sized photo of Donald Trump with arsenic dipped, sugar-free, hundreds and thousands.

Episode 4 has China’s President Xi Jinping crushing dried lavender into silk bags, with Taiwan’s leader Lai Ching-te. Calmed by the flower’s natural essence they will carve a Mah-jong set from the wood of Enid Blyton’s ‘Magic Faraway Tree.’ As in all good fairytales everyone will live happily ever after.

Episode 5 brings together my star guests, Donald Trump, Melania and Stormy Daniels who produce a rainbow platter of healthy but sour grapes accompanied by a gloriously salty dip swimming in crocodile tears.

Episode 6 will be the grand finale. Wearing my fun “Get Lost, With Susan” aprons, in full make-up, fishnets and yellow ribbon party hats, the head of Hamas, the head of Hezbollah, the head of the Palestinian Authority and the head of Islamic Jihad will affectionately break bread … oven warmed and gluten free. They will rise as one to sing the Beatles song, All You Need is Love with Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei playing the triangle, and Syria’s Ahmed al-Sharaa on drums. The first one to build a bedouin tent using glue and empty bullet casings will win a Torture for Dummies reference book and a luxury overnight stay in Moscow with the most charming of all hosts, Bashar al-Assad.

Whilst series 2 is being unpacked please invest heavily in my lifestyle edibles, Susan’s Marvellous Apricot Spread, Susan’s Crushed Custard Cream Sprinkles, and Susan Loves Big Ange, cupcakes - economy pack.

All reader suggestions for “Get Lost, With Susan” series 2 will be welcomed and considered.