Random Thoughts on Everything

Advance to Go

Playing a mind bending game of Monopoly, Trump has thrown down his top-hat and demanded Greenland as his 51st State. Raring to pass Go, the president-elect will be shaking his dice for the Panama Canal.

Angela Rayner doesn’t give a flying expletive for Trump, she has started her own version of the game. Under her rules, she gets to buy up the entire UK and cover it with cheaply built pre-fabs. Jess Phillips made a promise to partner Ange around the board. But after struggling to fill her “data gap,” Jess is rumoured to have snuck out to the pub and knocked back a frothy pint of disgruntled politician with Nigel Farrage. Harmony being his middle name, it seems likely that Nigel grinned to the GB News camera and implied that some might find Musk’s recent tweet calling Jess a “Rape genocide apologist,” a bit harsh.

Musk knows he ought to be concentrating on Trump’s game, but he’s far too upset by the idea that his beloved British Nan could easily have become an abused girl in the 1930s whilst earning an honest penny as a cleaner up north. Feeling thoroughly depressed by these sad thoughts, Musk had passed Go before anyone else started to play. With all eyes on Greenland he removed his monopoly dollars from Nigel’s Reform UK pockets. A sleight of hand that showed the venal skills of an investment banker who has suddenly changed his mind.

Sir Kier Starmer, playing as the grey dog, is not lucky with numbers. Sir Kier has no money, he has built no houses and owns no hotels. He keeps picking up Go to Jail cards, an irony that passes right over his square head. Luckily for the ex Director of Public Prosecutions his father was a tool maker. News he delights in sharing with his fellow inmates … right wing posh boys guilty of currency fraud, crypto crimes and hate speech. Too inept to throw the double he needs to continue around the board, Sir Kier looks likely to serve a long and miserable stretch. He spends his time messaging Rachel Reeves and Trump who both ignore him. On the plus side, Victoria Starmer and Melania have (allegedly) become close, sharing fashion tips, designer freebies and the possibility of signing an Amazon contract. Both are hoping to start their own monopoly game in partnership with Megan, Duchess of Montecito.

Justin Trudeau still crying over his resignation, has missed a go. He just passed up the opportunity to sell Canada to Trump. Surrounded by damp tissues, he lost his moment to exchange the entire country for a three bedroom condo located somewhere close-ish to Mar-a-Largo. Now he’ll never get to drive the big man’s Tesla golf cart, or caddy him out of the rough.

After blowing hard over her dice, Kemi thought she’d landed on Downing Street. She slung her Harry Potter cloak of invisibility over 14 years of Conservative rule and pushed hard for a public enquiry on gangs grooming young girls. Sir Kier, still waiting to lift his Get Out of Jail Free card, interrupted his re-education of Tommy Robinson … held in solitary next door … and claimed the sexual exploitation of minors was a ”far right” conspiracy. Yvette Cooper playing as the boot, bought herself Whitehall by mentioning child sex abuse in the Anglican Church, a clever attempt to remove focus from the mounting scandal up north. Being the most decent of the game’s participants, it’s thought she went home sobbing and danced a comforting pasodoble with her husband Ed Balls.

Mark Zuckerberg, busy waving Nick Clegg off at the airport, joined the game late. He immediately bought the Old Kent Road and Whitechapel because they both seemed cool places to own. He added Fleet Street thinking it could prove useful in a propaganda war with Musk. As a follow up he fired his first salvo at X by cancelling Facebook’s fact-checkers who had failed to tell him that newspapers are not printed in Fleet Street anymore. And no one needs facts when they have AI. Certainly not the BBC, who were invited to play as the racing car, but refused on the grounds that it was elitist, ran on petrol and carried a whiff of zionist, white supremacy, and colonial racism.

Chancellor Sholtz took some convincing to accept the gunboat. He rightly suspected the others were using the piece to make fun of German history. Believing Musk responsible for his political troubles, Sholtz showed no sympathy toward the world’s richest man. With all to play for, he smirked over the well-fed Cora Musk’s wedding photo, and pooh poohed Musk’s fears that anyone would have groomed his dead nan as a sex slave in today’s north. As his final gesture of defiance, Sholtz sang ‘Fly Me to the Moon,’ in the style of Frank Sinatra, and ate his ticket for the SpaceX rocket. He emptied his piggy bank and laughing maniacally, purchased the Uk’s Water Works and Electric Company.

Making a last attempt to move forward, Sir Kier took a Chance card. It said; Pay The School Fees. He flushed a sweaty pink, coughed, pretended his glasses needed cleaning, rolled up his sparkling white shirt sleeves, and mumbled something very rude about Rachel Reeves. Am I too late to mortgage the Chagos Islands he wondered?

To avoid doubt, please note that any resemblance to living persons in this satirical post are entirely coincidental.

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