Random Thoughts on Everything

"Act your shoe size, not your age"

At what age is a person fit to run a country?

If age really is, as the old Clarks advert said, just the shoe size that you act. Then let’s agree that Biden in orthopaedic trainers was too old, and Trump, not so very much younger, is a tantrum throwing horror. Exhausting, a disrupter who should be sent to bed without supper. His orange face and size 12s, both exaggerations. His best friend Vance, the schoolyard bully, is unpopular with the cool kids, a sycophant, he is feared not liked. Second in command, makes his shoe size irrelevant.

Starmer runs a kindergarten called the House of Commons. His front row is populated by hand-puppets he found in the Parliamentary toy box … most only able to nod, grimace or howl. The back rows, barely toilet trained, still eat mushy food and take afternoon naps before playtime. If he’d been a child actor, Starmer would have made weekly appearances on BBC television, staring as Spotty-dog in the Wooden-Tops series on Watch with Mother. Rumours say he’s a size 9.

Putin was actually created by Spitting Image. He is a life-sized rubber suit worn by an abandoned child with undiagnosed issues. Many have tried, failed and disappeared, following their attempts to understand the real him. Like most children he enjoys testing the boundaries. Sending Russian ships through British waters, flying his war planes in British air space … behaviour typical of an attention seeking five year old who needs to sit more often on the naughty step. Under-sized, he wears stacked heels.

Ayatollah Khamenei enjoys a scrap. Having only recently learned to read Biff, Chip and Kipper for age 3+ he still confuses words with numbers. Hence his need to ‘weigh’ a reply to Trumps latest letter about Iran’s nuclear programme. Let’s all hope that naughty Khamenei doesn’t bounce his nuclear ball over the borders.

Xi Jinping has big eyes. No one ever told him “I want doesn’t get.” He thinks Taiwan is the giant lego set that his parents couldn’t afford to buy. His shoe size eluded me, but his birthday is June 15 if anyone wants to send a card.

Tiny Macron dreams of becoming King Emmanuel of France and Europe. Having insisted his wife Brigitte stop fighting ridiculous TikTok rumours that she’s really a man, he asked her to knit effigies of Cameron, May, Johnston and Sunak. He sticks pins into these daily whilst singing La Marseillaise. He is a size 9.

Giorgia Meloni is the girl they all chase between classes. Too cool for school she rejected our Kier, refused him a share of her pocket money and told him where to stuff his ideas for protecting Ukraine. A Mortified Kier was forced to offer his Curly Wurly bar to Zelensky who had popped by for a hug. Size 7.5 US. She favours stilettos for dressing-up time and creative play.

Kim Jong Un likes to mess about with ballistic weapons. He has people shot for the crime of bad posture. Unfortunately for his grandmother, he also gets his fun from bashing down houses, particularly those belonging to family members. Or as some would call them … competing bloodlines. Likes to hang out in the playground with Putin and occasionally with Trump. The trio’s favourite game is said to be; setting light to their farts. Brain and shoe size uncertain.